I Went To A Sex Class On Female Orgasms And Here's What I Learned
‘Why wouldn’t I come to a class like this? It’d be like me purposefully making a shitty cake for my partner when I could be going out of my way to make her the most delicious cake in the world. I’m just being a dutiful husband, that’s all.’
That’s what one member of an all-male group at a Sunday night class on female arousal and pleasure tells me, much to my amusement.
I’m at Sh! in London’s Hoxton Square, a female-focused erotic emporium and Mecca for all things kinky. Imagine Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, but instead of chocolate waterfalls, gobstoppers and Tango’d assistants, there’s harnesses, lingerie and dildos. Lots and lots of dildos.
According to the website’s description, I’ll be taken ‘on a guided tour of pleasurable peaks and orgasmic delights’ where I’ll learn how to ‘locate and recognise the G-spot, learn about techniques and toys, and what to expect (or not) from female ejaculation.’
As a conspicuously average lover, who’s always found the female orgasm to be a long-time adversary in my quest for sexual mediocrity, you can understand why I was so keen to be enlightened by Sh’s! resident sexperts.
Because no doubt like a lot of men, I’ve spent considerable time pondering whether female orgasms actually exist. It always seemed a lot easier to blame their elusiveness on their ‘debatable’ existence than my ignorance, but after being assured by several sexual partners that they very much are real, I decided to broaden my sexual horizons by jumping head first into the deep, dark world of female arousal.
Here’s what I learnt.
Mind over matter:
The class was made up of a broad mix of people, from men simply wanting to learn more about the female form, to older gentleman who wanted to find out new ways of keeping the passion alive in their marriages. As we all chatted over a glass of bubbly and a French fancy (I could get used to this), our hostess with the mostess Renee – who had worked at Sh! for 11 years – opened by stressing the importance of women’s minds when bringing them to climax.
While making it clear that all women are different and therefore like and require different forms of stimulation, Renee explained that arousal for women is much more complicated than it is for men, using the delightful analogy that females are like an iron that needs to be warmed up patiently compared to men who can be turned on like a light switch – which will make total sense for any man that’s ever gotten a spontaneous erection while walking around ASDA.
To bring a woman to orgasm, both the mind and the body have to work in tandem; if she’s distracted or thinks you aren’t into it, boom, the orgasm is thrown off and she goes right back to square one. You have to focus on her and make her believe that there’s no other place in the world you’d rather be, which should be true, I mean, you’ve got a naked girl in front of you.
That’s tough because my mind often wanders when I go down on a girl, thinking about how to get the best out of Paul Pogba (left of a three man midfield) or what’s for dinner, but men, if you want your partner to cum, stay in the moment.
Additionally, a lot of women don’t really know what they like and therefore don’t know how to orgasm, particularly if they aren’t big into masturbation. This is problematic for us fellas because if she doesn’t know what she likes, how the hell are we supposed to know? That’s why it can sometimes take up to an hour for a woman to orgasm, and if she thinks we’re bored, well, that’s when faking occurs. Communication and regular masturbation will help her find out what she does and doesn’t like (which can include speed, intensity and pace) and reduce that orgasm time in a heartbeat.
Knowing her anatomy – the clitoris:
With some teenage boys apparently not even aware of the fact that women have pubic hair, there’s clearly something profoundly wrong with sex education in schools. When I learnt about the birds and the bees almost ten years ago, all my teacher seemed to do was show us how to put a condom over a banana, which in hindsight seems pretty useless given that I’ve never had to put a condom over a banana in adulthood.
I asked Renee whether of not she thought this kind of stuff should be taught in schools and she said that she definitely thought it should be.
“Men don’t get taught about pleasure and consent” she says. “What they learnt about sex is thought porn – it’s like Disney for adults and they think ‘what they are doing is what I should be doing.'” She added that this “desensitises men”.
She also commented that “if they did teach it in schools, it’d be wonderful, and people’s sex lives would be a lot different.”
As it is, though, many adult men are still pretty clueless when it comes to the female anatomy, and in particular, locating the clitoris.
The button-like portion towards the top of the vulva is like a mini-penis, albeit one that’s twice as sensitive as a male member. It’s estimated that there are 8,000 nerve endings in a clitoris, compared to 4000 in a penis head, and we all know how sensitive that is, don’t we, men? However, unlike our penis, the clit has one job and one job only: pleasure.
There’s a lot out there about how to stimulate the clit, and in particular certain tongue techniques (like mouthing the alphabet) which supposedly feel the best.
Before you go in all guns blazing, consider teasing her first. Renee explained that the concept of patience is lost on many men, who feel the need to go straight for the jugular, as it were. Instead, men should start off by kissing her stomach, legs, and the inside of her thighs. This, along with gently breathing and kissing her vagina through her knickers, is guaranteed to turn her on and get her wetter than an otter’s pocket.
Then, when she’s literally BEGGING for you to ramp it up, proceed by pulling her panties to the side (many girls actually prefer this) and brushing around the sides of her clit while playing around her clitoral hood.
Now, in terms of playing with the actual clitoris, it varies from individual to individual, but it was explained to us that there are certain things that you can do to help her orgasm. The first: stop rubbing her clit like you’re trying to erase a spot of permanent marker. In fact, pressing it like a doorbell with your finger straight on it is going to be pretty painful for her. Ease up, and think of the clit as a clock face, using two fingers either side of it at the 10-11 and 1-2 position. This is exactly the position those ever-popular Rabbit vibrators use, you know, because it tends to feel the best, and from there you can gently stroke and rub her until she reaches the promised land.
Secondly, try to avoid just using the tip of your tongue; sure, it’s fine for a bit, but using the whole flat of your tongue is a much better technique. It’s a bigger surface area, which means more pleasure for her, and it’ll also help with moisture. Switch up the motion, going from up and down to side to side and round and round. Gauge how well she responds to each. If she writhes around uncomfortably and pulls away, probably not the one for her. If she brings herself forward almost to spur you on, stick with that.
Renee added that if you’re tongue is fully out, you’re too far away – you should be up close and personal to give her the attention she deserves.
The G-spot is another one of those quasi-mythical things that men aren’t really sure exists, like Bigfoot or The Loch Ness Monster. Rest assured though, men, it’s definitely there, although it’s more like an area of rough, spongey tissue than an actual ‘spot’ (pesky science confusing us).
Located on the top wall of a woman’s vagina halfway between her vaginal opening and cervix, the ridged G-spot isn’t actually as far in as most men think. You know how they say size doesn’t matter? It kinda doesn’t, you just need to know where to look. It’s about half a finger in on the inside wall and once you feel it you should recognise how different it feels to everywhere else. Don’t press too hard on it though because it can make her want to wee, and you don’t want that.
It’s an intensely pleasurable area, and can be best stimulated with a ‘come hither’ motion with your index finger.
Oh, and don’t jam it in and out like a madman – take your time, get into a nice rhythm and give it a little feeeeeling.
Doing all of this with clitoral stimulation will also give her a better chance of achieving a ‘blended orgasm’ which is basically just a fireworks combination of the two. If you’re really on your game, you can cause her to squirt – which won’t be like anything in porn, that’s just usually a load of water they’ve drank and peed out (sorry to burst your bubble) – but it is a lighter liquid similar to male ejaculate minus the sperm.
I always wondered what that was.
Renee says that not every female will be able to do it, so don’t let that worry you. A vaginal orgasm will give her energy, though (compared to a clitoral one which might make her more prone to cuddling instead) so once you’ve given her one, the flood gates could well and truly open.
Pelvic floor exercises, yoga, and practiced breathing will all encourage orgasms, so if you’re keen to make it happen, tell her she’s got to do her bit too.
In terms of positions, keep it simple: one or two should be more than enough. Porn is grossly exaggerated, and flipping her over in various eye-popping positions is actually counterproductive because it’ll make it harder for her to cum. As a rule of thumb, stick to the same position she uses to masturbate – there’s a reason she does it like that.
Lube and Sex Toys
According to Renee, there’s a stigma attached to sexual aids when really there shouldn’t be; lube and sex toys are your friend, not your foe, and they can help out massively during sex.
After squirting a load of different lubes onto our fingers and encouraging us to rub them together, Renee explained that for most, every day sex, a chemical free, water based lube will do the trick.
And to be fair, they all felt pretty good as my index finger slid around my thumb with consummate ease.
For oral sex, go for a flavoured one. At one point, me and the bloke next to me were licking various flavours of lube on our fingers; he liked the Tiramasu one and I preferred the cherry. Each to their own.
We were then introduced to ‘arousal oil’ which you put onto a woman to get her all tingly and turned on. We put a drop on our tongues and within seconds, it was doing somersaults. Apparently it draws blood to the surface, and Renee remarked that if it felt this good on our tongues, imagine how it would feel on a clitoris.
Finally, she explained the many benefits of using sex toys during sex to enable a woman to reach climax. More of an ‘add on’ than a replacement for your penis, Renee joked that if genitals are chips, sex toys are the ketchup on the side.
Men tend to go for the big, phallic shaped vibrators when they buy them for their partners, but according to Renee, most women prefer the bullet-esque pleasures that vibrate rapidly. Furthermore, cock rings can also help if your erection is a little temperamental.
And with that, the class was pretty much over.
I, however, still had one thing left to do…
I couldn’t resist buying it. Even if I don’t use it during sex, who cares, it’s yummy.
In all seriousness, though, the evening was extremely insightful and it was refreshing to see a group of men gather around to openly admit that they could use a little help when it comes to getting their partner off.
I expected everyone to be a lot more reserved, but to my surprise, everyone was remarkably open, candid and eager to learn.
Hopefully I’ll be able to put what I’ve learnt into practice, and fingers crossed, you’ll be able to do the same.
Men, you can thank me later for this incredibly selfless act of public service journalism.
Not all heroes wear capes – some come in the form of lowly Hook writers…
Images via iStock