These Are The *Real* Oscar Snubs Of 2018
Once upon a time, winning an Oscar actually meant something.
Nowadays, it’s just a meeting place for sycophants (otherwise known as ‘actors’) and obsequious members of ‘the Academy’ – whatever that is – to laud one another about how great their work is.
The whole ceremony (which lasts for about 8 hours) isn’t just awfully political, it’s sickeningly pretentious, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d think they were celebrating people who’d actually made a selfless sacrifice to society, like athletes or musicians, for example.
Nevertheless, I’m a fan of film, so naturally I take an interest in the recipients of cinema’s – and the world’s – greatest prize. But while most people are in agreement that films like Get Out, Lady Bird, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri, Dunkirk and Blade Runner 2049 are richly deserving of their high praise and critical acclaim, I’m here to tell you that plain and simply, those people are wrong, dead wrong.
Because whether you like it or not, there have been some mahoosive snubs this year, once again proving that the Academy knows nothing about real cinema.
With that in mind, me, a film expert and authority on this matter, decided to share what I felt were the biggest oversights in each of the main categories this year.
So, without further adieu, let’s get into it.
‘What are you talking about, idiot writer, TV shows from decades gone-by never make for good films’.
Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Mark Kermode, because someone clearly didn’t see The Dukes of Hazzard or CHiPs, because if you did you’d know they make for outstanding movies.
If the premise alone doesn’t convince you that it deserves Oscar recognition, I don’t know what will. Basically, when a dangerous crime wave and a dastardly drug lord threatens the safety of their beloved beach, a team of super sexy recruits led by none other than Mitch Buchannon, must run, dive and speedboat their asses off to save the day.
‘WHAAAAT, that sounds AWESOME, what could possibly make it any better?!’ Hmm, how about The Rock and Zac frickin’ Efron running around with nothing on?!
Yep, there’s your Best Picture, people!
Hitchcock, Kubrick, Scorsese, Spielberg – a pantheon of incredible directors, yet time and time again once name continues to be overlooked among the Mount Rushmore of Hollywood greats.
That name? BAY.
Once again the great name of Bay continues to be snubbed by the Academy who fail to recognise the man’s directorial prowess. It’s a crying shame, for Bay is a pioneer of explosive cinema, multi-layered characters, superbly written scripts that make total sense, and awe-inspiring cinematography that usually involves relentless and unparalleled levels of DESTRUCTION.
He literally ticks every single box, and if he could direct every blockbuster in Hollywood, cinema would be a better place for it.
Whether he’s had a film out or not this year is irrelevant (he has, the exceptional Transformers: The Last Knight came out in June) he should win the award for Best Director every year if you ask me. You know what, just give him his goddamn lifetime achievement award already and have done with it, would yah?
Adam Driver – The Last Jedi
How many actors do you know that can spark a viral trend that could capture the hearts and imaginations of an entire PLANET?
Don’t @ me – there’s one, and he goes by the name of Adam ‘The Divine’ Driver.
Sure, his performance in the film was very good anyway, but come on, this is the Oscars, to win the award for Best Actor you’re going to have to do something pret-ty groundbreaking – like lose a shit load of weight, gain a shit load of weight, or play an eminent political figure.
While he may have beefed up for the role, his hand in creating the Adam Driver Kylo Ren challenge – THE best meme of 2017 – was the definition of groundbreaking, proving once and for all that the dark side is infinitely more sexy and hunkarific than the light side.
That chiselled, Herculean bod, all shiny and oily with a Simon Cowell-esque waistline, inspired a collective ‘oh, Sith’ around the internet, with all sorts of half-naked, evil lord wannabees recreating that moody signature pose.
For that alone, the man deserves an Oscar (and probably his own swimwear calendar).
Anna Faris – The Emoji Movie
The Academy Awards are dangerously old-fashioned, and seem frightened to deviate from an archaic formula of selecting award winners and nominees.
You know what I’m talking about – nominees for the Best Actress award only ever seem to go to Meryl Streep/Cate Blanchett/Kate Winslet or women starring in biopics.
While most are very worthy winners, I suggest that the Academy hauls itself into the present and stops overlooking voice actors, specifically those in 3D computer-animated comedy films.
Voice acting is a remarkably difficult skill – hello, you have to stand there and talk with a limitless amount of takes, for goodness sake – and although 3D computer-animated comedy films are admittedly a niche genre, I think we can all agree that The Emoji Movie set the standard this year.
Anna Faris as Linda Jailbreak was a huge part of this hilarious, highly original, animated film, which definitely didn’t propagate sinister corporate agendas and propaganda on an impressionable demographic.
I want to see more voice actors recognised for their craft, and dammit, it starts with Faris.
Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon – Thor: Ragnarok
Make no mistake, Thor: Ragnarok was a great film, but let’s not kid ourselves here, Matt Damon’s stupefying performance as the duplicitous Loki in a very meta stage production is what really catapults the film from ‘damn good superhero flick’ to ‘one of the most transcendent pieces of cinema ever.’
Who knew that Jason Bourne had such raw emotional range, such gravitas, such elegant poise. The way he delivers those melodramatic lines is an acting masterclass, making his performance in Good Will Hunting look like a warm piece of crap.
If Anne Hathaway can win a Best Supporting Actress gong for her brief role in Les Misérables, then surely Fucking Matt Damon deserved the nod here too.
Best Supporting Actress
Gwyneth Paltrow – Austin Powers: Goldmember
I’m breaking Oscar convention here but the oversight of Gwyneth Paltrow in Austin Powers: Goldmember is that effing criminal that I DEMAND the Academy acknowledge its mistake and backdate the award.
Cinephiles and movie fanatics alike have long vented their frustrations on public forums, at work, in the streets, about her lack of recognition, and it’s about time someone did something about it. Sure, Jennifer Connelly in A Beautiful Mind was absolutely fine, but if you know anything about film you’ll know who the real winner is here.
Paltrow’s performance as the irrepressible and bewitching Dixie Normous – a small town FBI agent SLASH single mother – enchanted audiences the world over, in what’s probably the actresses’ most famous role.
Let’s right this wrong once and for all and campaign for the lovely Gwyneth in next year’s category – sooner or later they’ll have to listen to us.
Best Animated Feature
Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie
Erm, am I missing something here, because the last time I checked, the much anticipated, decade-in-the-making, follow-up film to kids TV show, Hey Arnold! came out in 2017, and such was its impact that I had it down as a dead cert in this category.
OK, so I don’t think it’s technically a proper film, and it might not be as funny as The Boss Baby, or as beautiful as Loving Vincent, and it might not even tackle the same sobering, real-life issues as The Breadwinner, but Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie is like a hug off your mum – feelgood stuff that evokes a warm and cuddly reminder of yesteryear.
Also, we finally found out what happened to Arnold’s parents after all these years , in what’s probably the biggest film reveal since M. Night Shyamalan’s timeless The Village. It really is powerful and emotional storytelling at its very best, and you could well make the argument for it being Best Picture – if only Baywatch wasn’t so bloody good.
Best Cinematography/Visual Effects
When I go to the cinema, I want there to be so much frenetic, blurry action on screen that my face and/or eyes feel like they’re going to explode.
Luckily for me, that’s exactly what Justice League did, which is why I think it’s deserving of such a prestigious award.
The transitions from the sharply written, witty dialogue (which feels like a superhero quip-off) to the CGI overload of Steppenwolf and his chaotic cronies, back to the slow-motion shots of Wonder Woman jumping into the air and making an ‘X’ with her arms, is exquisite, and if you didn’t have a headache going into the film, you will do coming out of it.
But it’s a good headache – like your brain screaming at you to take a break because it can’t process that amount of awesome action in one go. It’s a great problem to have.
We all know that Zack Snyder is the king of visual effects – that 300 aesthetic and style of film-making will never grow old – and when Joss Whedon was added to the tumultuous mix, well that’s when the Oscar nomination should have been all but confirmed.
Best Make-Up And Hair-Styling
Andy Serkis – War for the Planet of the Apes
I tell you what, it’s frightening what they can do with prosthetics and hair and make-up these days, isn’t it? I have no idea how long it must have took poor ol’ Serkis to get into that ape costume every day, but my God, doesn’t it look good?
If I didn’t know any better, I’d have though that was an actual, walking, talking chimpanzee, and I’d love to get my hands on one of the actual ape costumes they used on set – imagine turning up for a Halloween party like that.
Scarily good make-up work.
Told you – I’m a film expert…
Images via Warner Bros. / 20th Century Fox / Paramount Pictures / Universal Pictures / Sony Pictures / New Line Cinema / Disney / Getty