The Six Stages Of An Office Crush


Like it or not, most of us will end up working in an office at some point in our lives. It’s just the way the modern world works. No longer are people following in the steps of their forefathers and taking their station at the family butchers. Most jobs these days begin and end with a computer which means most people will spend most of their adult life floors above ground level, in front of a screen. Although this may sound bleaker than a Dickensian novel, it’s not all bad. Especially if you have an office crush. 

If you have found yourself some office eye candy, whether you’re at the sweet beginnings or at the butt end (not a euphemism, but well done you if you’ve literally done that) of your crush, here’s what you’ve probably experienced already or what you have to look forward to.

1. The first sighting

It’s your first day and you’re ready to sink your teeth into some serious work. Absolutely no distractions will be tolerated because it’s your first day and you’ve got to make a great first impression and…. oh God. There’s an absolute hottie sat slap bang in the middle of your eyeline.

Not ideal.

But you’re not shallow enough to let this distract you and you’ve strictly given that side of your life a much needed break. Good job there’s a computer and all that super interesting work there to keep you occupied…

2. You find yourself looking at them more than anyone else in the office

You’re only looking at them so much because they’re right there when you look up from your computer. Or maybe they’re sat behind you and you need to spin your chair round because of your need for a  ‘change of scene’ and all that. They may even be on the opposite side of the room which is so inconvenient because everyone needs a far-off staring spot. So it’s actually not your fault whatsoever.

Or is it?

You start to notice the way they’re sat, the way they pick their teeth and spot all their little ticks that people unwittingly do when they’re sat in a chair for 9 hours a day. There’s enough material there to construct a half hour impressions show.

3. You begin to care about how you look at work

You should always care how you look at work but without the motive of trying to attract anyone. It’s just called being professional. But when you’re looking into the mirror before the commute thinking ‘will they like this?’, you’ll recognise the real motive behind your efforts to look pengggggg.

I’m not talking about skipping into work wearing a mini skirt with thigh high boots or a wifebeater vest. You want to ooze smart-casual, chilled yet professional, outgoing yet secure vibes. After all, they will only look at you a handful of times a day so you’ve got to make all those times count. Although it does sound like you’re overthinking it all and should get a move on before you miss your train.

4.  Stalking them on social media with them in your eye line will give you a weird sense of power

I’m not a psycho just to put that out there. Half the battle of online stalking someone comes from the gaping gap between Instagram/Facebook and reality. I mean, can they really look that good in a sweaty club? Probs not and you have the evidence right in front of you. It makes them more human knowing that they work 9-5 every day too, twiddling their thumbs until home time.

5. The walk past their desk becomes your own version of the Victoria Secret fashion show

Imagine walking past their desk with your skirt stuck in your pants or with sweat patches under the arms of your shirt. It doesn’t bear thinking about! In an office, every sighting must be up there in their top 10 experiences of all time. That’s why a preliminary check must be ticked off before stepping onto the catwalk, and if you need the loo but you’re still sporting some cutesy sweat patches, you’re just gonna have to wait until they’re dry, my friend!

alessandra ambrosio GIF by Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

I know the meaning of sacrifice.

And then there’s the walk. Do you want it to be a lingering walk so they have time to soak you in, sweat patches and all? Or make it a quickie (again, congrats if you’ve made it this far) so you’re just a beautiful, inaccessible blur? There’s also the eye contact to negotiate – if they look up, will you look straight and unapologetically at them, or avoid them like the mystical creature you are? Food for thought, maybe.

6. Office outings take on a new significance

Whether it’s post work drinks on a Friday or the Christmas party, it’s time to get your groove on. You want to show that you are a fun person and not just a cog in the corporate machine. Admittedly, it’s sometimes hard to approach someone whose personality you’ve kind of invented and if it’s the first time you’re speaking to them, what if they have a terrible voice? I’m shallow enough to admit that a guy’s voice is a game-changer.

the voice i give up GIF

I suppose if their voice is shit, you can get over the crush and go to work to actually do what you’re paid to do.

Whatever stage you are at in this hallowed list, I wish you all the very best in your endeavours. At the end of the day, an office crush is fun and who doesn’t enjoy a piece of eye candy?

Do you have an office crush? 

Images via Giphy / NBC 

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